Wile and wit

"Anything can have happened in Oklahoma. Practically everything has."



There is something so romantic to me about the Great Plains. Something that reassures me that I am meant to be here and that everything will be okay. Each day from the present on is one day closer to me having my own land staked out among this prairie, closer to my dreams being realized.

"Oklahoma is a tallgrass prairie and everlasting mountains. It is secret patches of earth tromped smooth and hard by generations of dancing feet. It is calloused hands. It is the aroma of rich crude oil fused with the scent of sweat and sacred smoke. It is a stampede, a pie supper, a revival. It is a wildcat gusher coming in. It is a million dollar deal sealed with a handshake."

Oklahoma is a place where wile and wit are still the difference between success and failure. A place wide and open and free.

A very crafty Christmas!

I had been feeling the craft itch for quite a while, so I figured Christmas would be the perfect chance for me to scratch it!

For 5 of my nieces and nephews, I made fabric bound journals made from old books.

Step one - Gather books of desired size and consistency



Step Two - Glue 4-8 pages together to make thicker sets of pages



Step Three - Glue cardstock or printer paper (if you like the look of the text showing through) to the newly separated pages.



Step Four - Cover with fabric!



And viola! You have adorable, sturdy, personalized journals! It was a very fun project to make.



I also cross-stitched two of my other nephews things I thought they'd like..



For now, life is good. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Up and over it

I am, finally, off facebook for good.

My biggest hesitation with deleting it has been my photos. FB has been, in essence, my virtual photo album. I don't have a good memory. At all. I relive moments solely through my photos, they are precious to me. So I found a decent site to host them all on, sealed contact info. for a few international and long-distance friends, and viola - I'm free!

Many things inspired me to delete my account. Mainly how useless it is regarding real life. Not only does it hold me back from pursuing real, tangible things, but it makes me feel even more disconnected that I really am. I sick of being exposed to the mundane ramblings of people I honestly don't care about, but I was also sick of exposing those people to my own mundane ramblings (which I'm sure they don't care about). Nothing is sacred anymore. It leaves little mystery left to be found in the world.

As far as my last post, it was raw emotion. I would like to clarify a few things, in case the few readers of my blog were offended in any way: 1. That post excludes any and all family. They are in no way a part of the frustration that I feel radiates from the people I associate(d) myself with. 2. It's all true. In a very bitter sense, it's all true. It is not censored and it is not pleasant but I can't deny still feeling every word I wrote. That's not to say certain friends are not excluded, but I absolutely feel, in short, deserted. The (lack of) communication and understanding within my friendships are not where my heart needs them to be. They ultimately leave me feeling disenchanted and alone. When your friendships are what make you feel restless, there's a problem. I'd rather truly be alone and without the weight of forcing conversation through gritted teeth with people who I know in my heart don't give a damn.

This is not aimed at any one person and it has, in fact, been building since early this year. It is what it is.

I wish I could leave every person I cross with joy in their heart and a smile on their face, but I am not well and I am such because of my environment. I must evolve in order to be better.

I never realized what a painful experience doing things for yourself could be. How do others make it seem so easy? Full of confidence in every decision they make regardless of how it affects the related parties. I wish I had that attitude. But instead I am dwelling on the reality of what my life has become.

But this too shall pass.

I hope.

Whoa, man!

I am not an advocate of most self-help books, videos, seminars, etc. I think, especially when it's regarding money, having to buy a book or video or class in order to get money saving advice is absurd and backward.

That being said, a co-worker let me borrow a book by Dave Ramsey. Apparently this guy's pretty popular, although I hadn't heard of him until a week before when my boss suggested I read his stuff. Since then I've had four separate people mention him to me on different occasions. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

So I've been reading his Total Money Makeover book, and it's outstanding. It's all basic, slap-your-forehead-because-why-didn't-you-do-this-sooner stuff. I'm in love with my future, right now.

My biggest fault has been not working to my ability. I've had maybe one full month total of working 40 hours/wk at WT in the two years I've been there. And yet I've never had a second job. Where I stand now, I can't imagine living guilt-free without one.

But I guess the truth is that I haven't been living guilt-free. My life for the last two years + has been a series of over spending, living above my means (even though it ALWAYS felt as if I never had enough for the basics), and wallowing in self pity and anger at "the system."

I am 22 years old and $11,666.86 in debt. This includes 2 credit cards, student loans and my car note.

I have it worked out so that, working an average of 70 hours a week between two jobs, I can have everything but my student loans paid off within one year. The remaining $4500 balance on student loans could easily be paid off within another six months after I pay down my other bills. I will simply apply all that I was paying towards the other bills and apply it towards the student loan. One and a half years of 70-hour weeks is what it will take to get me 100% debt free.

One and a half years of sacrifice so that I can start fresh with NO bills other than my phone and rent/utilities - for the rest of my life!

I can't wait for my next paycheck! Not so I can spend it, but so that I can start paying down my debt. Dave's 1st step is creating a small emergency fund of $1000 (or $500 for those who make under $20,000 - which is me). So that is where the next few paychecks will go. I should have $500 cash-in-hand for emergencies only within one month.

I have never felt like my budget was so solid before. I know exactly where every penny of my next paycheck was going to. I can't afford to mess this up, and I hope I stay just as pumped about this as I have felt the last three days!

Just as a side note...

Let's go a few years down the line.
I've got my $500 emergency fund, I've paid off my $11,000 debts, and I've added an additional $4500 to my emergency fund to live off of for 3-6 months should I love my job, get injured, etc. It's two years down the line.

At 24, I will be able to start adding to a Roth IRA. Assume the interest is 12% (and this is not counting if my company matches what I put in). I now have all the monthly payments I was making on my debt to put into this IRA. $369/mo into an IRA account.

Within two years, that account will have $49,500 in it. That's nearly 50 grand by the time I'm 34! And in another 10 years? $99,000. Another 10 years? $198,000. I'd have nearly $400,000 by the time I'm 64 to retire on. And that's only if I put in $369/mo into that account.

The future's lookin' bright!

What's in a name?

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my name legally being Beatrice Eloise Ansley. I'll be out of town tomorrow and wont have a chance to sit down and write about it then, so I'm breaking it to the world a day early.



It seems unfathomable to me that it's been a year. Some days it feels as natural as if it's been a lifetime, others it feels like I was standing before the judge just months ago.

It seems insane when I think back to it. Did I really have the balls to legally change my name? Did I really have the gull to sit down with my mother and tell her, essentially, that the name she chose for me 21 years ago wasn't good enough? In short, yeah, I did.

A lot of people think it's a joke. That I changed it only on profiles like Facebook for kicks and giggles, to mix things up a bit. Only the people who witnessed me through the process and met me afterward seem to grasp the entire scope of it. And even they sometimes have difficulty coping with it.

I never expected my friends and family to be able to switch gears 21 years in and re-learn to address me differently. I didn't want them to be on edge about it, it's not a taboo issue for me. I (obviously) have no problems with people knowing and I will still answer to Crystal for the few family members who can't seem to make the change. I don't know how it will be 20 years down the road when my mother is the only person still calling me Crystal and confusing the hell out of everyone else in my life, but I figure by then I can just tell people she's senile and I have no clue what she's talking about ;).

That being said, I truly do appreciate those who have made an effort to call me Bea or Beatrice (or B-rice, Beotch-tress, Bansley, Bans, Little B, BeeBee, etc). I can not explain it to anyone other than those who have gone through this sort of transformation - the joy of hearing that name any time someone says it, even if only a subtle hint in the back of my mind, is one I hope never fades. I still savor being called Bea, I still get giddy each time I write it. I do not know what goes through the minds of those who knew me before and were able to adjust, whether they cringe every time they say it or fight the instinct to say "Crystal," or if it comes as natural as it does to me to say "Bea," but I am grateful for having you in my life and I do not underestimate the work you've done on your part to change just as I did.

I get asked so often why I did it. I expect to be asked that until the day I die. Hopefully by then I can develop a short and eloquent response. Until then, this is all I've got:

There were many reasons. A lot of it had to do with ditching my father's last name. I have not spoken to a single member of his family since he died and he didn't lead the most noble life. He raised me well and most of my favorite qualities about myself stem from things he taught me. I will be forever grateful towards him for his parenting style, but the truth is that he (nor his family) hasn't played a part in my life for 11 years, and I have no interest in attributing any of my success to their namesake.

Another reason was that I simply can't stand the names Crystal or Dawn. While I was raised in Alabama, I was not born in a barn and I am not a stripper, and so I feel that I do not fit it as well as other ladies might. Many people disagree with my opinion of it being a trashy name, but that is why I made the decision to change it, not them.

And lastly, but certainly not the least of reasons - I wanted a fresh start. I wasn't running from anything, per se. I knew I wouldn't (and haven't) changed over night, however I did know that it would be a stepping stone to molding myself into who I wanted to be. I felt for whatever reason that my old name would hold me back from morphing into the adult I was destined to be. And so I did what I had to to set myself on my desired track.

Why Beatrice? Well hell, why Ansley?

I have loved the name Beatrice since I was a kid. It is refined, beautiful, strong and classic. It holds within it an appreciation for things of old, and having it be alive and well in this modern world does wonders for my imagination. As a side note, it's also a nod to Beatrix Kiddo, one of my all time favorite on-screen heroines.

Ansley was thought up out of the blue one August morning in the Red Dirt Emporium by Ms. Tyler Rush who emphatically played perhaps the biggest part in this whole process. My name will forever be in debt to her. She gave me the courage and the know-how to do what I knew deep down I always wanted to do.

Are you still reading this? Really?

Changing my name has been one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. It is strange, weird, whatever. But it's made me one step closer to who I want and need to be. And I couldn't have done it without the unconditional support of my friends and family. So thank you all.

Why are YOU single?

Taken from the beautiful Bri's blog: Just Call Me Bri

Guy: So If you don't mind me asking why is a pretty girl like yourself single?
Me: -DEEP SIGH-
Because I enjoy being alone.
I don't have to check in with anyone.
I've been single for a year and I have grown so much, I can't do MY thing with someone attached to me.
I like being able to do what I want to.
A relationship takes so much energy and that's energy that I don't have right now.
....and lastly instead of chasing YOU I am too busy chasing MY dreams. I know where I am going, I don't need any distractions and the RIGHT guy will appreciate that.

"The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well that's just fabulous." - Carrie Bradshaw

- - - -

Amen!

Do the math

I am torn right now over switching phone contracts. Or rather, ending my current contract with T-Mobile and going to pre-paid or month-to-month payments.

I currently pay $76/mo
Since Joplin canceled her contract (we had a family plan) I will pay $85/mo as of November.

Breaking my contract will cost $200. The contract ends Feb. of 2012. If I continue to pay my contract out until then, I'll end up spending $1190. I'll take the $200 hit.

If I switch to Virgin Mobile, where I can have either a Blackberry or an Android phone and unlimited text, web and email, I will pay $35/mo - BUT I will have to shell out about $200 for a new phone (since they dont use SIM cards).

Virgin mobile total amount of switch: $400

I could go to Cricket Wireless for $55/mo where I could also have a Blackberry or Android phone w/ unlimited talk, text, web, email, etc. They cost more a month but they are having a sale on their android phones for $175. If I sell my blackberry for $120, that's $50 out of pocket for a new phone.

Cricket Wireless total amount of switch: $250

Last but not least, there is the Wal-Mart Family Plan. Unfortunately it's not available in all Wal-Marts and I haven't been able to find out if it's available in OKC yet. It's $45/mo, plus you just pop in their new sim card in your current phone.

Wal-Mart Family Plan total amount of switch: $200

So obviously the Wal-Mart plan is the cheapest but I'm doubting it's available in OKC. Cricket wireless is the second best bet with cheapest upfront cost but $10/mo more than Virgin Mobile.

It's really just a matter of time for me to save up a minimum of $200 and make the switch. I just needed to do the math somewhere other than my head to work it all out!

The path less traveled

I officially switched my major to Liberal Studies yesterday. Its not too earth shattering, I can change it again at any time, but that I've finally allowed myself to accept that this is what I want is a big step.

Around this time last year, I sat around with a group of friends and announced I wanted to change my major to Liberal Studies. The response was less than encouraging. "You'll never get hired," "no one will take you seriously," and similar remarks. I expected this, I will expect it for the rest of my life. But I have spent the last 3 years going back and forth with degrees I know won't work for me, trying to fit into corporate America's mold for an ideal employee.

Yes, I wanted to be an anthropologist. And a historian. And a social worker. And a teacher. And a mortician. And a non-profit community organizer. I really did.
But those are interests. I have a bajillion of them, just waiting to be explored. The true question I need to ask myself is: Can I make a career out of this?

Okay, technically I am physically able to make a career out of just about anything. I'm talking life-long fulfillment, service to the community and financial stability. The above career options fulfill one or two of these requirements but not all, and it would leave me feeling like I needed something more if I were to settle with those.

A degree in Liberal Studies may not land me a degree at an accounting firm or as a paralegal, but it WILL allow me to study the way I know is best for me and will eventually lead me to my ideal life.

Ah, my ideal life. It appears to change with the wind but in my heart of hearts lies one unchanging aspect: a farm.

Having a farm is vital to my happiness. Having a small amount of livestock that feed me and my neighbors (through comraderie or a neighborhood market) as well as land to sustain myself on is a key component to what I feel I need. I can't explain it other than I need to be closer to the land.

I feel that if I can have a farm, a small farm, then my career will follow suit. I need a career that is just as beneficial to nature, humans and myself as a farm. I need a job that helps me lead a compassionate, joyful life. I do not want the stress of crunching numbers, sales, leads or quotas. Something whole and natural.

The option of becoming a doula has occured to me lately and thanks to the wonderful encouragement of a close friend I am seriously considering this path. I would be helping women enjoy their pregnancies and births to their fullest while also getting the rare and beautiful chance to witness a child being brought into the world. There is nothing morally challenging to me about being a Doula, which is why it sits so well with me. If I lose any sleep as a doula, it will because of excitement and anticipation, and occasionally because something is going wrong, not because I am going against my instincts or I'm being forced by management into an uncompromising position. I feel I could live in peace and contentment as a doula.

Another benefit to becoming a doula would be that I would forever have the opportunity to further my education and become a child birth educator or even a midwife.

Nothing is solid yet - but it never should be with me. I am too ambitious and anxious to be locked in to one path in life. That's precisely why I feel so comfortable with Liberal Studies as my major. It gives me the wiggle room I need to grow and learn and change the way I need to.

I am happy with my decision.

Inspiration

I'm moving back in with my mom, and in order to cope I am remodeling my old room.

Inspiration comes easily to me, but usually only in bits of pieces of a bigger picture. These are some rooms that I long to one day mold my own after.















Life is beautiful if you make it so.

Shop around

I need to go to the store.

My weekly cycle of batting fast food goes like this:

Don't have much money for food > Refuse to spend excess money at the grocery store > End up buying fast food that day > no food from store, so end up buying fast food the rest of that week > end up spending $30+/wk on fast food anyway > Had enough money for grocery store all along

If that makes sense. I always make excuses but they only leave my body craving healthier foods and my bank account suffering.

I am GOING to the store tonight. I'm going to be broke no matter what, so I may as well spend it on something I wont regret and something that will benefit my health.

Some notes on what I want to start eating:

Quick 'n easy stuff for work:
Chicken salads, w/ fruit
PB&J's w/ fruit

I also want to slowly get back on my insulin-resistance friendly diet that I had so much success with last time.

I am not looking to spend more than $40-$50 at the store, and that's pushing it. So we'll see what I get.

Blast from the Past

I just got off the phone with my ex. We got onto the topic of my celibacy.
"But you've always been a sexual person."
No. I've always feigned an interest in it.
I've always held back because I was never comfortable with myself.
Its never been content with sex.
You don't know me better than I know myself.

Clairty

365 days of celibacy.

I created this goal more out of necessity than anything else. I have somehow lost track of who I am, where I'm going and who I intend on being later in life. I am cheating myself out of precious moments and relationships by not being where I need to be right now.

Over the next year, I intend on working out a lot of kinks in my life in order to carry on with it properly. The focus will be on improving my weight/health, personality traits, habits, interpersonal relationships with friends and families and everything inbetween.

I have always restricted my blogs to certain topics and so I've never been able to write out my frustrations and mental blocks. But this is a free for all, I'll be writing as much or as little as I need.

And so this marks the first of what I hope will be many inspirational and eye-opening posts about finding who I am.