Up and over it

I am, finally, off facebook for good.

My biggest hesitation with deleting it has been my photos. FB has been, in essence, my virtual photo album. I don't have a good memory. At all. I relive moments solely through my photos, they are precious to me. So I found a decent site to host them all on, sealed contact info. for a few international and long-distance friends, and viola - I'm free!

Many things inspired me to delete my account. Mainly how useless it is regarding real life. Not only does it hold me back from pursuing real, tangible things, but it makes me feel even more disconnected that I really am. I sick of being exposed to the mundane ramblings of people I honestly don't care about, but I was also sick of exposing those people to my own mundane ramblings (which I'm sure they don't care about). Nothing is sacred anymore. It leaves little mystery left to be found in the world.

As far as my last post, it was raw emotion. I would like to clarify a few things, in case the few readers of my blog were offended in any way: 1. That post excludes any and all family. They are in no way a part of the frustration that I feel radiates from the people I associate(d) myself with. 2. It's all true. In a very bitter sense, it's all true. It is not censored and it is not pleasant but I can't deny still feeling every word I wrote. That's not to say certain friends are not excluded, but I absolutely feel, in short, deserted. The (lack of) communication and understanding within my friendships are not where my heart needs them to be. They ultimately leave me feeling disenchanted and alone. When your friendships are what make you feel restless, there's a problem. I'd rather truly be alone and without the weight of forcing conversation through gritted teeth with people who I know in my heart don't give a damn.

This is not aimed at any one person and it has, in fact, been building since early this year. It is what it is.

I wish I could leave every person I cross with joy in their heart and a smile on their face, but I am not well and I am such because of my environment. I must evolve in order to be better.

I never realized what a painful experience doing things for yourself could be. How do others make it seem so easy? Full of confidence in every decision they make regardless of how it affects the related parties. I wish I had that attitude. But instead I am dwelling on the reality of what my life has become.

But this too shall pass.

I hope.