What's in a name?

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my name legally being Beatrice Eloise Ansley. I'll be out of town tomorrow and wont have a chance to sit down and write about it then, so I'm breaking it to the world a day early.



It seems unfathomable to me that it's been a year. Some days it feels as natural as if it's been a lifetime, others it feels like I was standing before the judge just months ago.

It seems insane when I think back to it. Did I really have the balls to legally change my name? Did I really have the gull to sit down with my mother and tell her, essentially, that the name she chose for me 21 years ago wasn't good enough? In short, yeah, I did.

A lot of people think it's a joke. That I changed it only on profiles like Facebook for kicks and giggles, to mix things up a bit. Only the people who witnessed me through the process and met me afterward seem to grasp the entire scope of it. And even they sometimes have difficulty coping with it.

I never expected my friends and family to be able to switch gears 21 years in and re-learn to address me differently. I didn't want them to be on edge about it, it's not a taboo issue for me. I (obviously) have no problems with people knowing and I will still answer to Crystal for the few family members who can't seem to make the change. I don't know how it will be 20 years down the road when my mother is the only person still calling me Crystal and confusing the hell out of everyone else in my life, but I figure by then I can just tell people she's senile and I have no clue what she's talking about ;).

That being said, I truly do appreciate those who have made an effort to call me Bea or Beatrice (or B-rice, Beotch-tress, Bansley, Bans, Little B, BeeBee, etc). I can not explain it to anyone other than those who have gone through this sort of transformation - the joy of hearing that name any time someone says it, even if only a subtle hint in the back of my mind, is one I hope never fades. I still savor being called Bea, I still get giddy each time I write it. I do not know what goes through the minds of those who knew me before and were able to adjust, whether they cringe every time they say it or fight the instinct to say "Crystal," or if it comes as natural as it does to me to say "Bea," but I am grateful for having you in my life and I do not underestimate the work you've done on your part to change just as I did.

I get asked so often why I did it. I expect to be asked that until the day I die. Hopefully by then I can develop a short and eloquent response. Until then, this is all I've got:

There were many reasons. A lot of it had to do with ditching my father's last name. I have not spoken to a single member of his family since he died and he didn't lead the most noble life. He raised me well and most of my favorite qualities about myself stem from things he taught me. I will be forever grateful towards him for his parenting style, but the truth is that he (nor his family) hasn't played a part in my life for 11 years, and I have no interest in attributing any of my success to their namesake.

Another reason was that I simply can't stand the names Crystal or Dawn. While I was raised in Alabama, I was not born in a barn and I am not a stripper, and so I feel that I do not fit it as well as other ladies might. Many people disagree with my opinion of it being a trashy name, but that is why I made the decision to change it, not them.

And lastly, but certainly not the least of reasons - I wanted a fresh start. I wasn't running from anything, per se. I knew I wouldn't (and haven't) changed over night, however I did know that it would be a stepping stone to molding myself into who I wanted to be. I felt for whatever reason that my old name would hold me back from morphing into the adult I was destined to be. And so I did what I had to to set myself on my desired track.

Why Beatrice? Well hell, why Ansley?

I have loved the name Beatrice since I was a kid. It is refined, beautiful, strong and classic. It holds within it an appreciation for things of old, and having it be alive and well in this modern world does wonders for my imagination. As a side note, it's also a nod to Beatrix Kiddo, one of my all time favorite on-screen heroines.

Ansley was thought up out of the blue one August morning in the Red Dirt Emporium by Ms. Tyler Rush who emphatically played perhaps the biggest part in this whole process. My name will forever be in debt to her. She gave me the courage and the know-how to do what I knew deep down I always wanted to do.

Are you still reading this? Really?

Changing my name has been one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. It is strange, weird, whatever. But it's made me one step closer to who I want and need to be. And I couldn't have done it without the unconditional support of my friends and family. So thank you all.